Safer Sex
Over time, there has
been debate regarding what terms to use for this. Originally, it was called “safe sex;” however, since there is such
thing as condom failure, “safe sex” has turned into “safer sex.” This has not changed how safe it actually
is, but is more accurate when describing it.
As I’m sure everyone
has heard, abstaining from sex, or having a monogamous relationship with someone
who has no STDs are the only true safe sex practices. While nice in theory, these aren’t realistic for quite a few of
us out there. As a consequence, we must
practice safer sex to prevent infection.
Safer sex, in a
nutshell, means sex which the chance of transmission of HIV and most other STDs
is very, very low. This includes oral,
anal and vaginal sex with proper use of a condom and/or dental dam, as well as
other activities which do not transmit the diseases, regardless of the use of a
condom or dental dam (i.e. mutual masturbation). Certain things will make safer sex even safer, and other things
may make safer sex less safe. Safer sex
also includes things such as discussion of these issues with your partners,
keeping the number of sexual partners down, etc., but for purposes of this
discussion, we’ll just assume the sex we’re talking about is with a one-night
stand you know nothing about (therefore, you should be assuming the person is
HIV+, even if he or she happens not to be.)
Unfortunately, safer
sex will not protect you from all STDs.
Herpes, genital warts, crabs and scabies are generally unaffected by the
use of a condom or dental dam. To help
prevent yourself from getting these, you’re best bet is to try to examine the
person as much as possible to look for possible signs (all of these diseases
have visible symptoms.) Now, examining
a person before sex may not be easy.
For example, to identify crabs, you would have to thoroughly examine the
person, preferably with a magnifying lens.
Somehow I think most men would feel pretty inferior if you go at their
crotch with a magnifying lens, nor would I think most women would appreciate it
very much either. So your options for
those basically are take your chances or only have sex with someone you know
doesn’t carry any STDs.
When used properly,
condoms and dental dams are highly effective against transmission of HIV and
most other STDs. Condoms may fail, but
that is almost always due to user error and not design flaw. When used correctly, they are effective more
than 99% of the time.
It is also important
to note that two people who are HIV positive should continue to practice safer
sex. Although not widely proven, it is
believed that you could pass a different strain of the virus to your partner,
which may lead to the disease progressing faster and causing resistance to
treatments.
A condom is a
rolled-up piece of latex, animal skin or polyurethane which, when unrolled, is
shaped like a “penis sock” and is intended to cover the entire length of the
penis. It will have a tip at the end of
it, which is intended to catch the semen.
When used properly, condoms are very effective against pregnancy and,
with the exception of animal skin condoms, are also very effective against the
spread of STDs, including HIV.
Do not use your
teeth when opening the condom wrapper.
You may accidentally tear the condom with your teeth and make it
useless.
To put a condom on,
place the condom at the tip of the erect penis, then roll the condom down to
the very base of the penis. Once the
penis is covered, squeeze the reservoir tip to remove any air. After that, you’re pretty much ready to go
at it. Once you have completed the act,
hold the condom at the base of the penis and remove yourself from your partner. Once you’re a reasonable distance away from
your partner’s genitals (enough that nothing is going to spill out onto him or
her), remove the condom and dispose of it.
Do NOT flush condoms down the toilet!
They are not biodegradable and are not intended to be flushed. Throw them in a trash can. If you’re embarrassed by having a condom in
your trash, wrap it up in something else.
Use a new condom for
each sex act. If you orgasm, and are
still able to go at it, change to a new condom. Condoms are not reusable.
Wearing more than one condom at the same time, however, is actually less
safe than just wearing one. This is
because the friction between the two (or more) condoms will increase the
likelihood of breakage.
Condoms do come in
various sizes, colors, thickness and other variations. Ribbed condoms are considered effective;
however, I personally don’t trust them…seems too much an opportunity for
breaking. However, if you like to use
the ribbed kind, more power to you.
Thinner condoms, while still effective, do have a higher likelihood of
breaking, so you must keep that in mind.
They also come in lubed and non-lubed.
For vaginal sex, the lubrication on the condom, coupled with the woman’s
natural lubrication, may be enough; however, anal sex requires additional
lubrication, and what is on the condom will not be enough. I’ll talk more about lubes later
though. Condoms made from animal skin
are effective to prevent pregnancy; however, they are NOT effective in
preventing STDs, including HIV. The
pores in the animal skin condoms are large enough that although sperm will not
pass through, viruses and bacteria can.
Many condoms also come lubricated with nonoxyinol-9. This is a sperm-killing substance, which
although, again, will help prevent pregnancy, will do nothing to prevent HIV
transmission, and many people are allergic to it.
Most condoms you
will find are made of latex; however, there are some people who are allergic to
latex. If you are allergic, use the
polyurethane type. These are just as
effective as their latex counterparts; however, they are more expensive.
Flavored condoms are
primarily intended for use during oral sex, but may also be used for anal and
vaginal sex. Again, if you use them for
anal or vaginal sex, they contain no lubrication, so additional lubricant will
be necessary to avoid breaking. They
come with some sort of flavoring on them, usually something fruity like
strawberry or banana. As a warning, the
flavor wears off pretty quickly, and you’re left sucking on a plain old latex
condom before too long. If you need a
flavor to keep the fact you’re sucking on latex out of your mind, try keeping
some sort of syrup near by. This will
not only make the taste experience a bit more pleasurable for you, it can also
be rather erotic.
Condoms are also
recommended when using sex toys, such as dildos and vibrators. However, change the condom before inserting
the toy into someone else, otherwise it defeats the point of using a condom at
all.
Even when using a
condom, it is even safer if the man does not orgasm while inside the other
person.
A dental dam is a
flat piece of plastic or latex that is placed over the vagina during oral sex on
a woman or over the asshole during rimming (on either a man or woman). A purchased dental dam is typically made out
of latex, and may be flavored. If you
don’t want to use the bought type, or are allergic to latex, a cut condom or
plastic wrap will work in a pinch. You
will most likely need to use your hands to keep it in place (unlike a condom,
it’s most likely not going to just stay there.)
To be honest, I
don’t know of anyone who actually uses these things with any sort of
regularity, but if you want to decrease your chances of contracting something
from oral sex on a woman or during rimming, these are highly effective.
Inadequate or
inappropriate lubrication is the leading cause of condom failure. If things aren’t lubricated enough, friction
can cause the condom to break. Also, a
lack of lubrication will lead to an increased likelihood of small cuts and
tears occurring in the skin, which increases the likelihood of transmission of
HIV.
Women naturally
lubricate themselves when sexually excited; however, sometimes not enough to be
satisfactory. During anal sex, there
isn’t very much in the way of natural lubrication, so additional lube is
necessary. If there isn’t enough
lubrication so that the penis easily slides in and out of the other person, the
chances of the condom breaking are increased.
Unless you have
overactive salivary glands and are able to produce enough spit to use as lube,
you will most likely need something store bought. Only use water-based lubricants, not oil-based ones. Oil-based lubricants include things like
vegetable oil, hand lotions or Vaseline, and will deteriorate the condom and
cause it to break. There are a large
number of water-based lubrications on the market, including KY, Wet and
Astroglide. These are available in
grocery stores, drug stores, sex stores and other places. Water based does not mean, however, you can
use plain water as a lube; it won’t work.
These all have different ingredients, so if you find you’re allergic to
a particular type or don’t like the texture of it, try something else.
It’s okay to place
some lube on the inside of the condom or on the penis before wearing the
condom, but be careful not to use so much that the condom will slip off. Feel free to apply a generous amount of lube
on the outside of the condom though.
Some lubrications
are now being shown that they may be effective in helping prevent transmission
of HIV, which in turn will make the experience even safer. They are not, however, effective when used
alone, so they should be used in addition to, not in lieu of, a condom.
We need to be
realistic when talking about using condoms and dental dams for oral sex. Although in theory it sounds wonderful, most
of us just aren’t going to do it. It’s
not pleasant to lick or suck latex, no matter what flavoring they add to
it. Not to mention, I have a hard time
thinking my partner should taste like a strawberry. When performing oral sex on a woman, there is really nothing
short of a dental dam and not going down on a woman when you have cuts or sores
in your mouth that you can do to make the experience safer. However, when performing oral sex on a man
without a condom, there are certain things you can do to make it safer.
The safest way to
have oral sex with a man without a condom is to not take the head of the penis
in your mouth. If you simply lick or
suck on the shaft of the penis, the chances of you getting any infectious
fluids in your mouth are next to none, so this is very safe. However, since this doesn’t necessarily
translate into enjoyment for your partner, many people will not go this
route. If you chose to take the head in
your mouth, there are still ways to make it safer.
First, never let him
come in your mouth. Pre-come doesn’t
contain the virus in as large a quantity, and when mixed with saliva is pretty
damn low risk for infection. Many
people I know don’t like it when the guy comes in their mouth anyway, so this
isn’t a big sacrifice for them. If you
are one of the people that prefer to have him come in your mouth, keep in mind
your risk of contracting a disease will be higher. Spitting versus swallowing really doesn’t seem to make a big
difference. There are differing
opinions on why this is. One is that if
you spit, you have the semen in your mouth for a longer time while trying to
find a proper place to spit it out. If
you swallow, it is said that it gives the semen access to more sensitive
membranes in the back of your throat; however, once the semen hits stomach
acids, the semen, and any pathogens with it, are instantly killed. However, most agree that spitting is
slightly safer than swallowing.
If you don’t think
you will know if he’s about to come, there are tricks to be able to tell. First, and probably the most accurate, is
have him tell you when he’s about to come.
Some guys may not be able or willing to do this, so then come the other
tricks. The male body generally has a
very specific set of responses when an orgasm is about to happen. First, the penis will become even more rigid
and erect shortly before orgasm. The
testicles tend to rise towards the body shortly before orgasm as well. Other signs include increased breathing or
moaning, and his body will tense up and/or shake. Although there is no guarantee that you won’t get hit by an
unexpected gusher, these are a general role of thumb on what to look out for if
you don’t want him to come in your mouth.
Next, never perform
oral sex on someone if you have cuts or sores in or around your mouth or if you
see cuts or sores on his penis. There
are differing opinions on this, but as the general role of thumb, if the cut or
sore is visible, it’s large enough to have possible transmission of HIV. You frequently hear that with vaginal or
anal sex, the cuts could be microscopic and the virus will still be able to
penetrate them. This is not as true
with oral sex. Saliva, due to it’s low
salt content, inhibits HIV from being transmitted, so it will usually protect
those microscopic cuts as well; however, if the cut or sore is visible, it is
more likely saliva will not be sufficient to prevent the virus from being
transmitted. Also, never perform oral
sex on someone when you have a sore throat.
This irritation of the membranes makes them more vulnerable to
infection.
Also, it’s not
particularly advisable to “deep throat” a man.
“Deep throat” means taking the penis as far into your mouth as you
possibly can, usually partially down the back of your throat. This can cause irritation to your throat,
which in turn would make it more susceptible to infection.
If it’s been less
than 4 hours since you last brushed your teeth, you should probably refrain
from performing oral sex on anyone as well.
Many people irritate their gums when brushing, leaving an opportunity
for HIV. However, the gums and mouth
are one of the fastest healing parts of your entire body, so the effects don’t
last terribly long. But, for the love
of God, brush your teeth! Poor oral hygiene
will put you at more risk of infection than brushing your teeth regularly, not
to mention, bad breath is not a good way to make friends.
Okay, this is
probably the most difficult part of safer sex.
There is nothing less sexy than talking about disease during the heat of
the moment. The easiest option is
talking to your partner about sexual history and what risks you are both
willing or unwilling to take prior to getting to that point, but that’s not
always practical. Remember, due to the
fact this disease has been around for so long and the tons of information out
there on the subject, very few people are unaware of safer sex at this point,
so it shouldn’t be considered a taboo subject.
If you happen to not have an opportunity to talk to your partner prior
to having sex with him or her, keep in mind it’s better to ruin the moment than
acquire a life-threatening illness, and after a moment of awkwardness, it’s
usually not too difficult to get back into the swing of things.
The most important
thing about talking to your partner to remember is if you’re uncomfortable
talking about sex with your partner, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with
him or her at all.
Another issue with safer sex, let’s face it, is it’s not very sexy. Condoms do decrease sensation and the feeling of intimacy. Also, I can say from personal experience, sitting there waiting for someone to put a condom on is rather awkward itself, especially after a round of hot and heavy foreplay. There are things you can do to make the experience slightly sexier, such as put the condom on the person yourself, although that isn’t as easy as it sounds. I have no issues putting condoms on myself, but when I’ve tried to put them on someone else, it can be a rather difficult thing to do, but maybe that’s just me. Also continuing foreplay while putting the condom on can help alleviate some awkwardness. Although the drawback of that is the person may not be paying as close attention to what he is doing and put the condom on wrong. You can also put the condom on prior to doing anything, but if the guy loses his hard-on, the condom can come off. So, basically, there is no right or wrong way to make it a more pleasurable experience. That’s going to be up to what you are and are not comfortable with. But, despite it’s drawbacks, I think most people will agree, safer sex is necessary.